Another exam done!

I am finding that this year is screaming by... that the course is taking up all my time or the study and exams are. We did go to my first gardening group for ages. All the people there were surprised at how much the children have grown so we know that we haven't been for a while. Lovely wondering around someone else's garden and see what can be created. To take away ideas and plant cuttings. To talk about people that have honour systems still and to be reminded of how simple and wonderful things can be in this world. That we have a common interest but when oh when do i find the time and energy that is needed to devote to the garden. I do a little bit of weeding for bin day and do a bit of planting when the plants are there and going to do if I don't plant them but that is it. I have wonderful plans, an orchard, a chicken pen, a design in my head but nothing on paper and no plans for future planting or drawing.

I am neglecting my family and my friends, I find that I type a quick email and then that is it.... I feel the guilt when I stop but whilst I am busy learning anatomy and all the new words that my tongue refuses to accept that I don't even think about anything else. My weekends are now being consumed with study days, that make me tired and over things when I get home. i love this amazing journey however venting is sometimes necessary.

I hate the guilt that goes with not spending enough quality time with the children. I find myself wondering how I could do things better all the time. My good friend talks to me about getting the whip out and self flagellating.

So instead of getting down about it, I have to make a plan. I need to go and buy some wicks for the candle making process that will start very soon. I need to get a bit more organised and have the machine out with the embroidery and make a couple of pillowcases and bags for both of them and with their favourite characters and then we will get busy! I have a lot of catching up to do with both of them and lots and lots of cuddles will be given and received!

nearly testing time.

When I first started this course they said to us that it would have to be a priority in our lives. I wondered how that would work as I had a few other priorities that I considered much more important. My family, housework, renovating, and now I have this as well. It takes up a lot more time that I realised and it takes up a lot of my thoughts. I wake up to massage techniques and body organisation, golgi complex, ribosomes, bones and muscles.

Time that I would normal spending planning my day, my week or even my weekends seems to have gone. I now plan my next massage and stress when I haven't done enough. I like to plan my next renovating task as there are so many ufo's at the moment and instead i find I am planning my online work and revision.

I find that some tasks in life are too difficult for silly reasons. I have a lovely plum tree that is just outside the main window in the lounge, it is begging to be properly cut back again. The last time I did it, was when my dad was alive watching from his chair with his oxygen on telling me that I needed to cut a bit more and stop the cross over of branches to free up a few areas and to keep going I was doing a great job. I miss that..... so the plum tree is very neglected.

So i am going to do some sewing or knitting or something when I get a free moment..... not sure when as I have a nasty test coming up next week. I have moved past mothers day. The children (and my dearest other half) surprised me with lovely presents, treasures that I will keep and look at and use. The lovely florist made up a beautiful pink butterfly and gave (ALL the children) lady bugs which was so caring and thoughtful and our Angel in heaven even has one on her grave. Some moments others will reach out and give you exactly what you need, so on Mothers day by a total stranger my 3 children were acknowledged and not just 2.

x

Easter nearly over

How quickly is this year going. It was dragging at first when I started my first class and now that the tests, exams etc are coming up it is going so fast. Am I ready? No way! Am I up to date? No Way!!!! i have been practicing lots of massages and I get very nervous each time I do a new person or even a new technique and we learn these every week. I am wondering when I will feel comfortable and confident. I am getting to know different massages, the legs, lower back and glut's, upper back, neck and head (supine) arms and feet. i have my favourites and luckily with my first test I was able to do one of my favourites. I struggled to just go to the test, I hate no loathe being tested and normally that would be my cue to leave, this time it was quite different and gave me a chance to get lots of feedback, some positive and quite unexpected too. My favourite being that "I looked like I know what I am doing."

Easter holidays are nearly over, not sure about the holiday part as they have gone so quickly and as normal we have been very busy. I am trying to learn to say NO to people but not getting there yet. We have dashed around the countryside and the children are quite over it all. After our 3 meltdown for the day from both of them, they were popped into bed for some quiet down time. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Some things have been achieved and some not so sucessful. However mostly the good outweighs the not so good so it is all balanced.

My red headed hurricanes birthday next week and he has decided (thank goodness) not for a party but a weekend at the coast instead. I love this. It makes me so happy that we can influence and guide their decisions still. The other night whilst traveling back from a visit to a good friend we decided to opt for take away. I suggested Maccers and was greeted with a chorus of No, YUCKO, then I suggested a common chicken takeway and again the same response. I asked if Japanese Udon noodles would be good and was greeted with an overwhelming yes, yum thank you. So to add to this treat we decided to sit in the restaurant and have a lovely meal. i like that at the moment we win over all the marketing for food. I am wondering when peer pressure added to this will change things?

what order?

I have just bought some chairs off ebay for the verendah when it is built, I keep thinking that there is 2 ways of doing this; 1. To wait until it is finished and then if there is any money left to go and source things or use whatever you have to sit on. 2. To slowly acquire these things when they come up, for a good price and then wonder where the hell you are going to store 7 chairs now as I had already bought one previously. So I have 7 chairs here and they are lovely. The work perfectly with the French Provincial theme that I am attempting and I am on the look out for a table that works with both theme and budget. I think that I have managed to not use too much of the savings and when we find the time and the energy we will continue with the verandah until then we are busy with lots of other things. We have to cull the cars and my other half desperately would like to get a new one (well second hand new one!) He has worked hard and we have found what we would like to get and have the money put away however we have to now fix up and sell 2 cars to buy this one. This would leave us with 2 cars after that. One that I can drive with the kiddies and one for him. At the moment we have his car, that sits out the front and does nothing much. A toyota hilux that NEEDS to be sold, the work car that was my dads and he left to us that he drives on a daily basis, that also needs to be sold and my car that is used on a daily basis as well. He would like to get a mini, we have had all sorts of comments including "are you gay?" to the kiddies pointing out every single mini that they see and trying to decide on the right colour which involves not on the body of the car but the roof as well. For now it is just a matter of cleaning up, doing minor fixes, getting a road worthy or 2 and selling. Recently I had a little birthday, the birthday boy was turning 2. SO LOVELY. I wasn't able to visit my friend and her boy however I decided to send things and I am trying desperately to have presents that are made or local or something. The kiddies decided to help me and Red Headed Hurricane thought that a little boy needed a "grill'd" box to put the things in, like he does for his thomas trains and cars so that was the first thing. We went to our favourite burger place and when getting the burgers got an extra tin. So then we needed to include Easter as well, so Thomas was also chosen and I was thinking this was exactly what I was wanting to do however well the next idea, was my Petal to include a little present for his Mummy of an apron that was made so this was good. Then we found some little pencils as well so that was agreed on as well. the last item we had to make, he loves "the Cars" movie and characters so it was agreed that Lightening McQueen would go on the front of the library bag that we were making for him. My dearest other half stepped up with his Engineering back ground and cut out the material, working out the dimensions and how it would go together. I then sewed on the embroidery (using the machine) with the character and then the name, was decided to be done in RED to match the character and contract on the lovely Slate grey colour of the bag itself. Lastly I sewed up the bag and threaded through the cord and it was done. We also included a Made in Australia and local top from Moppit. So all the things along with a card were popped in and sent to Daylesford. It was so much fun that the family has decided to do one for another little soul, a little girl this time. All we have to do is agree on the design.

Why we have hearts.

My red headed hurricane told me this morning as we went home sick from kinder. "Mummy do you know why we have hearts?" I said "No" he went on to tell me that "we have hearts so that is where we store all mummy's love" I really wish my anatomy teacher would accept this wonderful explanation for Body Organisation course. I think that I am going alright slowly starting to get things and then something tricky happens. A new movement that my body refuses to do, a new topic that just doesn't seem to click or a password that doesn't work and cannot be fixed for a couple of days. Challenges are proving to bug me at the moment. I am not going to let them win, I am practicing, waiting and revising. My petal has just been for her neuropsyche assesment and as always the results mean a new challenge for us. We have been told that we need to start her on medication soon and as always I am very sad, something else for her to deal with. In so many ways we have been lucky to get this far before we needed it, in other ways I would love to be in the "Normal" world. Imagine that! As she gets older we are noticing more and more differences, more hurdles and her becoming more aware of others and how they function. Questions are more and more forthcoming. On the other side of the coin, we have a very very intelligent child. Poor, poor mummy hard having a girl smarter than her! I hope I can bluff her for a few more years yet.

A long weekend.

We are all starting to get into a familiar routine. My red headed hurricane has settled into kinder and is starting to get quite happy about going. He plans what he would like to do and mostly the teacher is very happy to accommodate. It is quite lovely to see his world expanding and he had his first party. We were thrilled that the little girl was called the same name as our little angel. Also that on the party bags she stamped her name with a butterfly. Our symbol for our angel. It was like a sign. Our Red Headed hurricane was so happy when he came home telling us of his adventures.

Our Petal is flying along and has been moved into the top literacy group, we are all thrilled at her wonderful progress. I have to be careful, no spelling words, no leaving my email open and no leaving notes that I don't want read, she reads everything and Anything. So we are guiding her to use her powers for good, We bought her a lovely E-Magazine for children and installed it on her little computer. We are on a mission to make bees wax candles and lip balm.

I have completed one unit in my study and I now have a massage table and have given both children a full back and leg massage well full being what I have learnt. We had the children's music on and it was quite lovely. My other half was amazed at how much I have learnt.... it must look alright as he spent the whole time watching me, tell me that is not pressure. I bought the table off a lovely friend of mine, it is the nicest table that I have seen and I am so happy. I must remember to send her a little thank you note. Where oh where am I going to set it up. I was hoping to keep the spare room as a sewing room however I am thinking that this is not going to be the case. I have been very busy with the study and learning. I have to say that I am enjoying it and I have a list of people that are wanting me to practice on them. Thank goodness as I have to do a log book of 50 hours as part of the course.

We went to the park today, a lovely walk in the sun, just watched the children play and run around in the warm weather. The walk back was one of discovery, some lavender collected, a lizard observed, some rainbow parrots eating our apples, stairs to no where, lots of lovely flowers and different houses being built.

It was quite a nice weekend, we met up with a dear friend in the city for lunch and let the children enjoy catching fairies and walking in the rain.

Back to it now.

3 boxes

I have a strong feeling when it comes to boxes, I don't see something for children to play with, I don't see something to pack things in, I see 3 boxes that sit on my shelf at home. They make me sad, they make me angry, they make me reflect. These boxes all contains ashes. I picked up another one yesterday of Stanley. The other 2 are my parents. I see them everyday. I read the inscriptions and realise how much more I want, another day, another hour, another moment.....

I look at the boxes and realise that my thoughts have been conveyed to my youngest child. When we were in Mitre10 he asked why they kept peoples ashes on a shelf in the garden section and his older sister explained to him that this box was not for ashes but for goods they were selling.

Sometimes I wish our life was a little different and the children did not know what death and all the implications of losing their sister, their grandparents, their uncle and their dog meant.

I wish that I didn't have to hear from my children late at night when they come and see me; "I am a little sad about....."