back to it.

Yesterday was full on. The children were back at school and kinder. I had a repeat exam first thing in the morning and then the afternoon to try not to worry. I decided whilst it was still reasonable weather outside to spend some of the nervous energy doing a job that I have put for for a while now. The poor old plum tree desperately needed a good cut and opening up. So I did it yesterday. I thought about the last time that I had cut the tree, whilst dad was still alive and directing the procedure from the lounge room window. He kept telling me to keep going and I think I felt him saying the same thing yesterday. Well the rain came and I didn't get it all done but goodness it has made a difference already with what I did. Then to the inside and I had the same thing, vacuuming the entire house which was good. So needed it, everything has been put on hold whilst studying especially for the exam. Then off to pick up and swimming for my red headed hurricane. I remember a time not so long again that he would scream at every lesson and wondered with the change of venue and teacher that this might reoccur? He was anxious but happy and decided that he was going to enjoy it. He had a ball, a new friend, a lovely teacher who is able to keep him in check and a big pool that was only daunting for a moment.

Yesterday in spite of what might be looming turned out to be a good day for lots of progress, not just sweating it out waiting for the results. I do hate it when they tell you that you will get them that day and you watch the phone like a hawk and then it doesn't happen. So now today the wait starts all over again. I really need to keep busy again today and surprisingly enough after the school holidays and everything put on hold I have lots to do that.

I started culling yesterday which made me surprisingly happy so i might try that again today. Ok, enough fun on the computer off to it!

if I was me.....

My boy was discussing serious items with us late last night in the car. He started with "If I was me, which I am" I couldn't stop laughing and missed the rest of it, but thought that this was quite entertaining.

My petal is struggling with the changes in her diet. So many chemicals so many things to consider especially during the school holidays. Not easy to find and deal with these things.

I am super stressed and I have this funny theory that people will understand and stop making demands or doing nasty things to me. Of course this theory is ALWAYS disproved at this time however I would like for it to stand just once.

We visited the coast, I normally find some peace or something that helps me within, not this time! No peaceful inner harmony or inner strength found, nothing except this overwhelming stress that is happening and is not being lifted. I understood totally why one of my friends at school said he was going to withdraw and not complete the course. We talked him around of course however I felt like saying ME TOO, lets go and get a drink and celebrate! So that night at class we were given 3 more things that are so big we didn't even want to consider. The first being the 8 hours of clinic. We massage for 3 hours and do all the note taking and setting up etc for the other hour. Then we have another 4 hour of administration to do. What a shame it is the weekend that we were going away for our wedding anniversary! Another assignment which is due in January! too big to even contemplate and an exam. I have one to repeat on Monday and well the pressure is just about at breaking point.

Sometimes it would be nice to say when!

WHEN!

My Petal

My petal has been diagnosed with A.D.H.D. (Organic) on top of other things. We are doing occupational therapy and had her neuropsyche come to school to evaluate and educate us and the teachers on what works best with her learning. We are now working on part 3 food and diet. Trying to eliminate additives from her diet and keeping a food and mood diary. Who knew that bicarb works on a cellular level and can reduce the effect of nasties in their diet. A teaspoon of bi-carb, in water and then add orange juice or something like that to taste.

So today instead of just taking food away from her and there is a lot of additives in things. (I am so sick of reading about petroleum products in the food aimed at children.) We would make ice cream for tonight. We threw out the supermarket bought ice cream and a lovely friend lent us an ice cream maker to try. (Thank you Pam). so first we popped in some whipped cream, yes with my lactose intolerance this is great for me lol! Then condensed milk and then some lovely vanilla. (Next time we will use the vanilla bean forgot this time). Our children tested everything at every stage and are completely sugared up and happily planting plants in the garden now on a lovely sugar high.

We thought with organic and farmers market food that we were doing alright. There are somethings that we hadn't considered like our lovely Margaret River yoghurt and ice cream that have some NASTIES in them. We have now been forced to make a lot more things. There are so many fillers and bulkers and chemicals added to things, to get the colour right, to get the alternatives to sugar and to just make them additive.

The good thing about making this is that all that the children think is that they are having something homemade (which at this stage in their lives is EXTREMELY appealing) and yum. Not that we are testing things to find out the effects and reduce or eliminate them from all of our diets. I believe that if one of us cannot eat it then none of us should. That way my petal does not feel excluded or different a cry I hear all to often lately.

Oh the sugary goodness of licking condensed milk straight from the can or tube yum. I hope you have a lovely sugary weekend!

a lovely day

This week the weather has been getting quite lovely during the day and we have made a small amount of progress back in the garden. So many weeds and things to deal however the plants that we have planted last year have really taken off. I am so happy about the grevilliea's especially. They are all starting to flower and have really grown up quite a bit. The garden is starting to look more like the design that I want.

I am still very time poor to do everything that I want. The renovations and painting has just been left neglected. I realise that I cannot possibly worry about this at the moment with everything else especially the exams. So as much as I would love to desperately complete one or two or 30 of the tasks they are on hold. I have a couple of little shrubs to plant today to fill in a space with, some lovely natives so that I won't have to weed those spaces as much. Thats the plan. I am still searching for the beautiful native daisies that I have seen recently in magazines and gardening shows. I will have to make a trip to my favourite australian native nursery and get them there.

I cannot believe that I am more than 1/2 way through my course now. I have just had another exam and I am sweating waiting for the results. I can hardly sleep worrying about whether or not I did enough to pass. I did work hard, I did study quite a bit but I think I always feel that I can do more.

Another exam on Friday and that will be 2 more subjects completed and hopefully passed. Then on to oriental massage which sounds quite interesting. I have to confess that I have enjoyed the sports massage much more than I thought I would. The teacher is very dynamic and inspiring. I have made a few more new friends and the children are enjoying the experience of meeting others and their families.

when you cannot do anything....

Not many times have we come up against the fact that my Beautiful Little Petal does not have her twin here. Today we did. An excursion tomorrow and my Petal does not have a special little friend to sit with. It is breaking my heart hearing that she is not "normal" that she is a twin and they don't understand her, that she doesn't have her twin here and she would have someone lovely to sit with and that she shouldn't be in heaven. That she is needed here with her. That her other friends all have someone..... she doesn't!

I listened and listened and dried her tears and cuddled her and apologised whilst feeling that it was all my fault. What more can I do to fail my daughter, I have placed her in a world without her identical twin and she is miserable.

Instead of a happy time planning the excursion she is miserable and I am so sad for her. We have planned her meals, snackies and clothes and I fixed a flower onto her hat to help cheer her up but small or nothing in the scheme of things.

So now we are sitting down quietly together having dinner and I am wondering how I fix this.....

Another exam done!

I am finding that this year is screaming by... that the course is taking up all my time or the study and exams are. We did go to my first gardening group for ages. All the people there were surprised at how much the children have grown so we know that we haven't been for a while. Lovely wondering around someone else's garden and see what can be created. To take away ideas and plant cuttings. To talk about people that have honour systems still and to be reminded of how simple and wonderful things can be in this world. That we have a common interest but when oh when do i find the time and energy that is needed to devote to the garden. I do a little bit of weeding for bin day and do a bit of planting when the plants are there and going to do if I don't plant them but that is it. I have wonderful plans, an orchard, a chicken pen, a design in my head but nothing on paper and no plans for future planting or drawing.

I am neglecting my family and my friends, I find that I type a quick email and then that is it.... I feel the guilt when I stop but whilst I am busy learning anatomy and all the new words that my tongue refuses to accept that I don't even think about anything else. My weekends are now being consumed with study days, that make me tired and over things when I get home. i love this amazing journey however venting is sometimes necessary.

I hate the guilt that goes with not spending enough quality time with the children. I find myself wondering how I could do things better all the time. My good friend talks to me about getting the whip out and self flagellating.

So instead of getting down about it, I have to make a plan. I need to go and buy some wicks for the candle making process that will start very soon. I need to get a bit more organised and have the machine out with the embroidery and make a couple of pillowcases and bags for both of them and with their favourite characters and then we will get busy! I have a lot of catching up to do with both of them and lots and lots of cuddles will be given and received!

nearly testing time.

When I first started this course they said to us that it would have to be a priority in our lives. I wondered how that would work as I had a few other priorities that I considered much more important. My family, housework, renovating, and now I have this as well. It takes up a lot more time that I realised and it takes up a lot of my thoughts. I wake up to massage techniques and body organisation, golgi complex, ribosomes, bones and muscles.

Time that I would normal spending planning my day, my week or even my weekends seems to have gone. I now plan my next massage and stress when I haven't done enough. I like to plan my next renovating task as there are so many ufo's at the moment and instead i find I am planning my online work and revision.

I find that some tasks in life are too difficult for silly reasons. I have a lovely plum tree that is just outside the main window in the lounge, it is begging to be properly cut back again. The last time I did it, was when my dad was alive watching from his chair with his oxygen on telling me that I needed to cut a bit more and stop the cross over of branches to free up a few areas and to keep going I was doing a great job. I miss that..... so the plum tree is very neglected.

So i am going to do some sewing or knitting or something when I get a free moment..... not sure when as I have a nasty test coming up next week. I have moved past mothers day. The children (and my dearest other half) surprised me with lovely presents, treasures that I will keep and look at and use. The lovely florist made up a beautiful pink butterfly and gave (ALL the children) lady bugs which was so caring and thoughtful and our Angel in heaven even has one on her grave. Some moments others will reach out and give you exactly what you need, so on Mothers day by a total stranger my 3 children were acknowledged and not just 2.

x